The Hard Things about Separation and Divorce

The hard things after living too long in separation and eventually being branded with a divorce can be memories. I don't give them any thought now except I wrote my memoir and need the message communicated. So the memories were drummed up as needed. And as I process it all, I can't believe I was so stupid!

Many of us wish we could have a re-do on part of our life. We regret decisions our immature self made. 

I regret that good Christian friends would never know the deep darkness I endured in my first marriage (which wasn't a marriage at all). I want validation and vindication. I want others to know how painful the entire messed up experience was. 

I met Mark eventually, and the healing has been profound. Indeed, God provided. Mark rescued me from myself. 

Release Yourself from Guilt

 

If you are a Christian facing divorce, if you have Biblical grounds for it, there is no guilt, no shame, no embarrassment needed. You may, however, feel sad, grief, anger, panic, and more.

My advice is to not stay stuck in the quagmire hoping for something that is now gone or never existed in its purest form.

Read my story.

You Don't Know What You Don't Know at 22

 

When you're in your twenties, you think you know all you need to know. And so you make a decision to get married because you know no better path. 

You have a whimsical idea about marriage. You trust in God, if you're a believer, and since God didn't break you up, you assume it will all work out. 

But what you don't know enough of is psychology. In the 70s, I took a sociology course in high school. That was the first time I'd ever heard about abuse. I knew little about dysfunction. People didn't even talk about stalkers in those days until much later when women were being stalked and raped and we learned about it in the newspaper.

____________

So I was uneducated. I couldn't possibly know the pathology of the man I was about to marry. I didn't know anyone immoral. I only knew Christians. I only knew what my church and family had taught me and the bits I uncovered in the newspaper or in encyclopedias. We didn't have the internet then.

So I married Randy, and was disappointed right on my honeymoon. 

I had started my career, but it was so boring working with adults compared to being in college with peers. Had I had bigger goals and a network of friends to rely on, life would have been so much different. Had I more guts and gusto and strength to defy my cocoon, perhaps I would have skipped ten years of nonsense and lived my life with more adventure. 

But marrying Randy eventually got me to a job I loved in a new city and helped prepare the way to finding my current husband Mark. But was the pain of what I went through worth it? 

I share my story here.

I Was a Loner Going Through a Painful Marriage Separation

 

Now in an era of technology, young women have a huge pool of people to interact with and consult for help. They do it under their own name, but often under an anonymous handle. 

In the 1980s when I married a man I shouldn't have, things were different. I didn't have broad world experience. I only knew what my friends, parents, and church taught me. My world was small but expanding when I met Randy. 

I didn't have a pool of friends by then. I'd always been a bit of a loner. It seemed my college friends had all gone their own ways and no one wanted to be a third party to a couple.

Being an introvert, I had a hard time cultivating new friendships. So I fell for Randy's idea that we marry. 

_____

_____

But there was hesitancy. I wanted more and better, but I didn't know how to get it. I didn't know how to let him down and part ways. 

These days, women go online to ask for advice from complete strangers. They hear other points of view. 

I currently see lots of women who married young and got out of a miss-marriage, or who are going through trials now. 

When I was separated in the '80s, Christians didn't talk about divorce. Marriage was supposed to be long-term. Having no confidantes as a young adult was hard. So were my legalistic viewpoints. 

So I stayed tethered to Randy though he left me four times--moving his belongings out. I stayed in touch though he didn't want to live with me. I hung on for hope as I thought a Christian was supposed to. 

But I needed someone to cut the cord. Living the secret life I did took a lot out of me. It took more than any young woman should have to give. 

Read my story in my Amazon Kindle book No More Games. Thanks.

Talked into Marriage - Fake Christian

 

She goes through with the engagement to Randy.

But she is still in love with another man.

Or at least infatuated with the other man.

She hesitates when two other men suddenly ask her out in the midst of her wedding planning. 

She cries out to God but is in too deep to walk away from Randy.

She can't fathom what lay ahead.

She rationalizes why she should marry Randy: He took her virginity (his doing more than her desire). 

Aren't you supposed to marry the first man you have sex with?

Sick theology.

Stalked without realizing it. 

Talked into marriage, rather than falling in love first. 

The first signs of problems appear on the honeymoon.  

No Christian gets married expecting to become separated soon after. But this is what happens in many cases. Especially in cases where the groom feigns salvation because he knows he must to win his Christian girlfriend over.

The naive young Christian bride trusts enough in God to believe all is well. What doesn't seem well, God will surely fix. But soon enough, she's sorry and entrapped. 

Read the full story Here. 

Why Women Stay with Losers and Abusers

 

Why, when a husband cheats and isn't fulfilling his vows of marriage does a woman not just leave him and file for divorce? 

The reasons are many, for me it was about codependency. 

It can also be that a woman feels she has such strong faith in God that the marriage will be restored so she hangs on waiting for that to occur. To proceed with divorce might mean she doubts God or will be punished by God and looked down on by fellow believers. 

Ultimately, the codependency is often wrapped up with inexperience that tells her she is still in love with him. 

I felt all the above when Randy cheated on me, left me repeatedly, was never available when I needed him, and when he lied to me and insulted me. 

I eventually realized I wasn't in love with him--not the current him--the him he became. I wasn't even in love with the old him. I didn't feel I was in love with him when I married him. I was in love with the idea of marriage--the idea of being an independent adult--the idea of what could be. 

At 26, I remember feeling there might be no more single guys left in the world for me. My heart's desire was to be a mom; to have a family. And so the grief was deep thinking that would never happen. 

That's inexperience. It was untrue. There were many single young men still available. I met Mark at 30. He'd never been married. We eventually married and had children.

Read my story here.