Can Marriage Separation and Divorce Cause Trauma?

 

Trauma doesn't always come by way of a fist or seeing a mangled body. Words, attitudes, and actions can inflict wounding. Broken promises and a broken heart can induce trauma in the trusting soul. During trauma, parts of our brain shut down to protect us. We say to ourselves; this isn’t right. My soul feels violated by this.

My way of handling emotional trauma was to deal with it myself. I didn't invest in long-term counseling. I didn't have close friends to talk to. I'm an introvert—a loner. And that’s the trait Randy hated about me. I was no fun. And so reaching out for help was hard. 

Once I married Mark, I didn't talk about my deepest feelings. I had tucked the memories away. But years later, the trauma shook my core like an about-to-explode bomb demanding to be decommissioned. 

What resulted were physical symptoms. Anxiety. And so, I went for therapy at last, as a much older woman, the memories still on the surface to be told. 

And my therapist helped me work through them. 

Then, during the COVID-19 pandemic, I decided to write my story. 

It was a way of shedding my old wineskin (renewing my thinking) to prepare myself to move forward in a new wineskin. Find my story here. 

Matthew 9:16, 17

The Patches and the Wineskins

"No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. For the patch will pull away from the garment, and a worse tear will result. Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will spill, and the wineskins will be ruined. Instead, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved." 

The Single Bride

In a Christian Facebook group, one poster wrote that it was her wedding anniversary, but she and her husband were separated. 

It's crazy to think I spent a number of wedding anniversaries, birthdays, Christmases on my own too as I stayed separated for so long.  My heart wanted to reach out to this younger generation woman, but I wouldn't know what to say. 

If I could have, I might have suggested she read my story written in my memoir No More Games, When Christian Faith and Marriage Collide: a Memoir. 

But the forum would not allow for me to share that. 

When I think back, so many details of my separated years are vivid and in color. But many others have faded. I don't know how my on-again-off-again spouse dealt with our anniversaries. I don't recall what I did either. 

I went through ups and downs trying to stay married, waiting until he finished his school course. He went back to college three years after we married. It would be a longterm commitment. So I hung on. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't hung on. It was a time filled with many tears, lonely troublesome nights, and far too much danger. 

I might tell this Facebook member "You can hold on to the idea of marriage if you want, but it won't serve your wellbeing in the present. Grieve what is gone. Prepare to move forward." 

 

A Bit About My Story

Had I known what the next few years beyond my first date with Randy would hold, I would have told God I didn’t want to be put to the test.

I didn’t want to face judgment from certain circles or risk my job at a Christian organization by admitting I was separated or by becoming divorced.

I didn’t endure trauma over one event, one season, or one life phase. It crossed my career path, anniversaries, birthdays, work holidays, and Christmases. The trauma informed my every decision at that time.

An outsider could never know how many times I fell into a crumpled heap of tears, how often I fasted and prayed, or how I laid prostrate on the floor seeking God’s help, wanting to do the right thing.

It helps to remember we cannot change a dysfunctional person unless they want to be helped. At times, closing the door on a relationship is the wisest thing to do. God doesn’t intend for us to use our time and energy at our expense trying to make another person happy who can never be happy. Meeting their whims is not our calling. Fixing them is not our burden to carry.

Tough love is being able to say no more games. Tough love says, I may have cared about you, but the relationship is no longer serving me. I care about my life too much to allow you to hurt me any longer.

Divorce and Christian Dilemma

 

It's 2023. A few purchased my book (pictured above) when it was first published for free on Amazon. Since then, there's been no traction. Yet I feel I need it read. I need some validation for my journey through separation and divorce as a Christian woman. 

Yes, it is the first memoir I've written. But not the first writing project I've done. But advertising a book and keeping my identity anonymous is very difficult. If you're reading this, please share about my blog and book. 

I chose the photo on the cover because it reminded me of Randy. His ugly belt. Him pathetically bringing me a bouquet of flowers as he tried to manipulate me to stay attached to him. It reminds me of the time he flew down a hill running toward my car as I was leaving the parking lot. He had flowers in hand. I told him to keep them and drove away. 

I'd agreed on a meetup and, once again, he didn't have the details right because he never really cared about what I said. I'd waited an extra half hour past our meetup time and decided he was a no-show as usual. So I left. And as I did I saw his scrawny body running toward me calling out for me to stop. It was pathetic. 

Read my story here: 

An On-and-Off Again Relationship isn't What God had in Mind for Marriage

 A friend of mine was beside herself when her 21-year old Christian daughter announced she was engaged. I know the feeling. I went into panic when my own daughter said she was planning to marry the boy she was dating. 

Now, that same young girl is battling an on-and-off again relationship with the man she married. I can relate to what she might be thinking, feeling, dealing with. I was there too as a young twenty-something-year old Christian married woman whose husband wanted her in his life but didn't want to be married. 

This young woman was on my mind when I wrote my memoir, No More Games, When Christian Faith and Marriage Collide: a Memoir. 

I suppose I shouldn't presume I know what she's dealing with. Her situation may be similar to what I went through in part, or it may be completely different. Nevertheless, it's time we talk about the deep pain some of us face as innocent young girls marrying the wrong man. The dissolution of a marriage is seldom easy, but sometimes, ultimately necessary. (Click the photo for the link to purchase.)