Not My First Rodeo

When I met Jill after having children with my new husband Marc, she made a condescending remark about me needing to get use to the idea of cooking meals as a new bride. 

Jill didn't seem to know my history. Or, if she did, she didn't acknowledge it. I'd been there. I'd had bridal showers prior to marrying Randy. I'd been a new bride 12 years prior to the day of her remark! I'd picked out table settings and decor and set tables and collected recipes and cooked dinners. This was not my first rodeo. 

But who would give me credit for time spent trying to fake it until I could make it with Randy? 

No, I shouldn't have married Randy, but I did. I went through apartment hunting with him too many times as no place was ever good enough for him. I went through moving and setting up our 'home'. I had been the new bride. 

So, yes, I resented her comment. 

And this is another reason I wrote the memoir. The people I want to have read it never will. But I got it out there. The depths of what some women go through is deep. 

What I went through gave me Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), a psychological condition that can develop in individuals who have experienced prolonged or repeated trauma over an extended period. Often, it happens to a person who feels trapped. And I was trapped. Trapped by the rules of my religious upbringing, trapped by the title of wife to a man who didn't want to be married but wouldn't sign divorce papers. I was trapped in poverty, living off a ministry wage hardly being able to afford rent on my own. I was trapped in Randy's emotional abuse.

And the C-PTSD brought on pervasive feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, and emotional anxiety.

When my daughter was about to marry, though over 30 years had passed, the C-PTSD was triggered again. I didn't want her making a mistake as I had. And I came down with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Our emotions are powerful.

Listen to Alarm Bells

He played games from the day I met him. It was a marriage that shouldn't have happened. I have deep regrets. But I've grown and learned valuable lessons. 

After a few dates, when Randy said, "You seem like the type of girl I might want to marry" alarm bells went off. I wasn't into him that way. I was only with him because of his leech-like nature. He was a clinger. I was easy prey. 

I sensed a disconnect, a misalignment in our wavelengths, but at that tender age, my understanding of the intricate dance of long-term relationships was in its infancy. While my spiritual heart whispered he was not for me, I wasn't effective at setting stronger boundaries. I'd lost connection with girlfriends so I latched onto him by default since I felt I had no other friend to spend time with.

Now I know, what he said to me that night in the car as he was dropping me off was a sign of his immaturity and part of his quest to get me to have sex with him. I wish I'd run. 

A MisMatched Couple

I wish I'd had the strength to break up the relationship when we were 'dating'. Life is hard after college friends disappear. The adult world isn't so fun. My social life was the pits. All I had was Randy. But I knew I didn't want him. I just didn't know how to find the life I really wanted. So I settled. I fell for his lies. I needed a mentor or friend but I was shy--never quite good at keeping friends. I simply wasn't mature enough to be in a long-term relationship.

I was brought up in a fundamental Baptist church. Dancing wasn't allowed. Going to the movies wasn't allowed. Drinking wasn't allowed. Randy should have picked up that I was wrong for him. He loved to do all those things. And I guess for a time, he settled too.

This is why Baptist parents want their children to marry only someone brought up in the same church. I see the point, but I also see there are cult-like ingredients in those cultures. 

Now as an adult, I've been to more dances and movies than I can count. I finally walked away from legalism and the cult, though I never walked away from my Lord. And drinking--I still don't do that apart from a sip of wine or an occasional cocktail.

My best friend of five years refused to be a bridesmaid. My other friends backed off once I wore an engagement ring. I knew inside I wasn't ready for marriage, but I knew no other choice at that time. So I started planning the wedding. 

What a Relationship is Not

 

 

Callous is a person who steps away from the woman he promised his love and support to. He assumes he’s made a grave mistake in marrying her. He wants freedom. He gets caught up in the rewards of selfishness, using the perks of newfound independence as a measuring device for how far he can trample her before she rebels. The callous person makes his choice and then becomes defined by his choices. Randy was that callous snake.

All I ever wanted was a hand to hold, arms to hold me, and someone to appreciate me. Moral support. Someone to share a bowl of popcorn with while watching mindless TV. But now, though technically I was still married, I didn’t have any of that.

Four years have passed since I said, “I do.” The world of the separated woman feels cold and empty. I hate living in limbo.

The Hard Things about Separation and Divorce

The hard things after living too long in separation and eventually being branded with a divorce can be memories. I don't give them any thought now except I wrote my memoir and need the message communicated. So the memories were drummed up as needed. And as I process it all, I can't believe I was so stupid!

Many of us wish we could have a re-do on part of our life. We regret decisions our immature self made. 

I regret that good Christian friends would never know the deep darkness I endured in my first marriage (which wasn't a marriage at all). I want validation and vindication. I want others to know how painful the entire messed up experience was. 

I met Mark eventually, and the healing has been profound. Indeed, God provided. Mark rescued me from myself. 

Release Yourself from Guilt

 

If you are a Christian facing divorce, if you have Biblical grounds for it, there is no guilt, no shame, no embarrassment needed. You may, however, feel sad, grief, anger, panic, and more.

My advice is to not stay stuck in the quagmire hoping for something that is now gone or never existed in its purest form.

Read my story.

You Don't Know What You Don't Know at 22

 

When you're in your twenties, you think you know all you need to know. And so you make a decision to get married because you know no better path. 

You have a whimsical idea about marriage. You trust in God, if you're a believer, and since God didn't break you up, you assume it will all work out. 

But what you don't know enough of is psychology. In the 70s, I took a sociology course in high school. That was the first time I'd ever heard about abuse. I knew little about dysfunction. People didn't even talk about stalkers in those days until much later when women were being stalked and raped and we learned about it in the newspaper.

____________

So I was uneducated. I couldn't possibly know the pathology of the man I was about to marry. I didn't know anyone immoral. I only knew Christians. I only knew what my church and family had taught me and the bits I uncovered in the newspaper or in encyclopedias. We didn't have the internet then.

So I married Randy, and was disappointed right on my honeymoon. 

I had started my career, but it was so boring working with adults compared to being in college with peers. Had I had bigger goals and a network of friends to rely on, life would have been so much different. Had I more guts and gusto and strength to defy my cocoon, perhaps I would have skipped ten years of nonsense and lived my life with more adventure. 

But marrying Randy eventually got me to a job I loved in a new city and helped prepare the way to finding my current husband Mark. But was the pain of what I went through worth it? 

I share my story here.

I Was a Loner Going Through a Painful Marriage Separation

 

Now in an era of technology, young women have a huge pool of people to interact with and consult for help. They do it under their own name, but often under an anonymous handle. 

In the 1980s when I married a man I shouldn't have, things were different. I didn't have broad world experience. I only knew what my friends, parents, and church taught me. My world was small but expanding when I met Randy. 

I didn't have a pool of friends by then. I'd always been a bit of a loner. It seemed my college friends had all gone their own ways and no one wanted to be a third party to a couple.

Being an introvert, I had a hard time cultivating new friendships. So I fell for Randy's idea that we marry. 

_____

_____

But there was hesitancy. I wanted more and better, but I didn't know how to get it. I didn't know how to let him down and part ways. 

These days, women go online to ask for advice from complete strangers. They hear other points of view. 

I currently see lots of women who married young and got out of a miss-marriage, or who are going through trials now. 

When I was separated in the '80s, Christians didn't talk about divorce. Marriage was supposed to be long-term. Having no confidantes as a young adult was hard. So were my legalistic viewpoints. 

So I stayed tethered to Randy though he left me four times--moving his belongings out. I stayed in touch though he didn't want to live with me. I hung on for hope as I thought a Christian was supposed to. 

But I needed someone to cut the cord. Living the secret life I did took a lot out of me. It took more than any young woman should have to give. 

Read my story in my Amazon Kindle book No More Games. Thanks.

Talked into Marriage - Fake Christian

 

She goes through with the engagement to Randy.

But she is still in love with another man.

Or at least infatuated with the other man.

She hesitates when two other men suddenly ask her out in the midst of her wedding planning. 

She cries out to God but is in too deep to walk away from Randy.

She can't fathom what lay ahead.

She rationalizes why she should marry Randy: He took her virginity (his doing more than her desire). 

Aren't you supposed to marry the first man you have sex with?

Sick theology.

Stalked without realizing it. 

Talked into marriage, rather than falling in love first. 

The first signs of problems appear on the honeymoon.  

No Christian gets married expecting to become separated soon after. But this is what happens in many cases. Especially in cases where the groom feigns salvation because he knows he must to win his Christian girlfriend over.

The naive young Christian bride trusts enough in God to believe all is well. What doesn't seem well, God will surely fix. But soon enough, she's sorry and entrapped. 

Read the full story Here. 

Why Women Stay with Losers and Abusers

 

Why, when a husband cheats and isn't fulfilling his vows of marriage does a woman not just leave him and file for divorce? 

The reasons are many, for me it was about codependency. 

It can also be that a woman feels she has such strong faith in God that the marriage will be restored so she hangs on waiting for that to occur. To proceed with divorce might mean she doubts God or will be punished by God and looked down on by fellow believers. 

Ultimately, the codependency is often wrapped up with inexperience that tells her she is still in love with him. 

I felt all the above when Randy cheated on me, left me repeatedly, was never available when I needed him, and when he lied to me and insulted me. 

I eventually realized I wasn't in love with him--not the current him--the him he became. I wasn't even in love with the old him. I didn't feel I was in love with him when I married him. I was in love with the idea of marriage--the idea of being an independent adult--the idea of what could be. 

At 26, I remember feeling there might be no more single guys left in the world for me. My heart's desire was to be a mom; to have a family. And so the grief was deep thinking that would never happen. 

That's inexperience. It was untrue. There were many single young men still available. I met Mark at 30. He'd never been married. We eventually married and had children.

Read my story here. 

Can Marriage Separation and Divorce Cause Trauma?

 

Trauma doesn't always come by way of a fist or seeing a mangled body. Words, attitudes, and actions can inflict wounding. Broken promises and a broken heart can induce trauma in the trusting soul. During trauma, parts of our brain shut down to protect us. We say to ourselves; this isn’t right. My soul feels violated by this.

My way of handling emotional trauma was to deal with it myself. I didn't invest in long-term counseling. I didn't have close friends to talk to. I'm an introvert—a loner. And that’s the trait Randy hated about me. I was no fun. And so reaching out for help was hard. 

Once I married Mark, I didn't talk about my deepest feelings. I had tucked the memories away. But years later, the trauma shook my core like an about-to-explode bomb demanding to be decommissioned. 

What resulted were physical symptoms. Anxiety. And so, I went for therapy at last, as a much older woman, the memories still on the surface to be told. 

And my therapist helped me work through them. 

Then, during the COVID-19 pandemic, I decided to write my story. 

It was a way of shedding my old wineskin (renewing my thinking) to prepare myself to move forward in a new wineskin. Find my story here. 

Matthew 9:16, 17

The Patches and the Wineskins

"No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. For the patch will pull away from the garment, and a worse tear will result. Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will spill, and the wineskins will be ruined. Instead, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved." 

The Single Bride

In a Christian Facebook group, one poster wrote that it was her wedding anniversary, but she and her husband were separated. 

It's crazy to think I spent a number of wedding anniversaries, birthdays, Christmases on my own too as I stayed separated for so long.  My heart wanted to reach out to this younger generation woman, but I wouldn't know what to say. 

If I could have, I might have suggested she read my story written in my memoir No More Games, When Christian Faith and Marriage Collide: a Memoir. 

But the forum would not allow for me to share that. 

When I think back, so many details of my separated years are vivid and in color. But many others have faded. I don't know how my on-again-off-again spouse dealt with our anniversaries. I don't recall what I did either. 

I went through ups and downs trying to stay married, waiting until he finished his school course. He went back to college three years after we married. It would be a longterm commitment. So I hung on. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't hung on. It was a time filled with many tears, lonely troublesome nights, and far too much danger. 

I might tell this Facebook member "You can hold on to the idea of marriage if you want, but it won't serve your wellbeing in the present. Grieve what is gone. Prepare to move forward." 

 

A Bit About My Story

Had I known what the next few years beyond my first date with Randy would hold, I would have told God I didn’t want to be put to the test.

I didn’t want to face judgment from certain circles or risk my job at a Christian organization by admitting I was separated or by becoming divorced.

I didn’t endure trauma over one event, one season, or one life phase. It crossed my career path, anniversaries, birthdays, work holidays, and Christmases. The trauma informed my every decision at that time.

An outsider could never know how many times I fell into a crumpled heap of tears, how often I fasted and prayed, or how I laid prostrate on the floor seeking God’s help, wanting to do the right thing.

It helps to remember we cannot change a dysfunctional person unless they want to be helped. At times, closing the door on a relationship is the wisest thing to do. God doesn’t intend for us to use our time and energy at our expense trying to make another person happy who can never be happy. Meeting their whims is not our calling. Fixing them is not our burden to carry.

Tough love is being able to say no more games. Tough love says, I may have cared about you, but the relationship is no longer serving me. I care about my life too much to allow you to hurt me any longer.

Divorce and Christian Dilemma

 

It's 2023. A few purchased my book (pictured above) when it was first published for free on Amazon. Since then, there's been no traction. Yet I feel I need it read. I need some validation for my journey through separation and divorce as a Christian woman. 

Yes, it is the first memoir I've written. But not the first writing project I've done. But advertising a book and keeping my identity anonymous is very difficult. If you're reading this, please share about my blog and book. 

I chose the photo on the cover because it reminded me of Randy. His ugly belt. Him pathetically bringing me a bouquet of flowers as he tried to manipulate me to stay attached to him. It reminds me of the time he flew down a hill running toward my car as I was leaving the parking lot. He had flowers in hand. I told him to keep them and drove away. 

I'd agreed on a meetup and, once again, he didn't have the details right because he never really cared about what I said. I'd waited an extra half hour past our meetup time and decided he was a no-show as usual. So I left. And as I did I saw his scrawny body running toward me calling out for me to stop. It was pathetic. 

Read my story here: 

An On-and-Off Again Relationship isn't What God had in Mind for Marriage

 A friend of mine was beside herself when her 21-year old Christian daughter announced she was engaged. I know the feeling. I went into panic when my own daughter said she was planning to marry the boy she was dating. 

Now, that same young girl is battling an on-and-off again relationship with the man she married. I can relate to what she might be thinking, feeling, dealing with. I was there too as a young twenty-something-year old Christian married woman whose husband wanted her in his life but didn't want to be married. 

This young woman was on my mind when I wrote my memoir, No More Games, When Christian Faith and Marriage Collide: a Memoir. 

I suppose I shouldn't presume I know what she's dealing with. Her situation may be similar to what I went through in part, or it may be completely different. Nevertheless, it's time we talk about the deep pain some of us face as innocent young girls marrying the wrong man. The dissolution of a marriage is seldom easy, but sometimes, ultimately necessary. (Click the photo for the link to purchase.)

Self-Help Book on Divorce, or Memoir?

The idea of my ebook being a self-help book crossed my mind. I normally write self-help and nonfiction. I do want my book to shed light on the subject of what some Christians face when going through separation and divorce. I do want it to help, not just entertain. 

I also read an article where a writing coach said how annoyed she was with reading yet another story of a relationship gone wrong due to dysfunction and abuse. I'm sure many stories written of breakups are from people who suffered physical abuse or dealt with alcoholics or drug users. 

My story is none of that. A slightly narcissistic person, yes. An unhealed person, yes. An immature person, yes. 

When I married him, I had never heard the term "narcissist." The word "stalker" was only just gaining popularity.

 The trouble is, many women, in the name of marriage, do themselves an injustice by thinking they have to stick it out when being flung around like a spider on a long web by a man who was supposed to have her best interests at heart.

I invite you to read my story. https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Games-Christian-Marriage-ebook/dp/B08H1BQNHB

(I've contacted Amazon to correct the look-inside feature)

My Pandemic Writing about an Old Divorce - In the Past But Never Forgotten

  

So here's the scoop. During the pandemic, like many, I became reflective and began to write the story of my separation and divorce as a Christian at a time when it wasn't a popular choice for believers. 

I was triggered to write it due to a conversation I'd had with a Christian friend who knew of my divorce in the '80s but didn't know the details. 

When he left me, I figured I had to fix it. I had to get him back. I would not stand for divorce. But in that push-and-pull time, my energy was zapped. I was full of sadness and depression, I coped at work, but felt I had to keep my separation a secret. I was culled from inside out like a fisher might do to his catch. 

So compounded problems occurred. Poverty, self-doubt, self-hatred, anger, embarrassment, worry, fear, too many traumatic instances to mention. 

I ran or jogged to relieve the stress. 

From March to July, 2020, I wrote about it. Now I need it to be read. Then I will have come full circle. 

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Games-Christian-Marriage-ebook/dp/B09R1PBYKC